days to nights

I forget to see beauty in life. Often busy, just this week I had tests, packing, cleaning, projects; things just pass by without a second glance from me, I miss things that should be appreciated and valued. Words will flow into my head, a second of my attention, I wont remember when it happens I think back, an hour, a day... a week. When I sit with others for a breathe of relaxation I feel I've been away forever nothing they say I remember or relate to.
Sure many understand the dilemma I face, and they'll happpily update me on the changes in my own life; but others not so much. They give me glances like I don't care, when truely I can't keep up. Names, times, anything not vital in the present I don't remember, it comes back to bite me in the future but I can't help it.
But at times like this, as I sit on the couch typing this, I watch; as day turns to night the colors twisting together changing in beauty that leaves me speechless. I listen to karma police a window separating me from the world; so I can look upon it, undisturbed. Bliss can barely describe the true feelings at this moment, its something unable to be put into any words that pass through my mind.

Its Mail Time

Everyday I get the mail, it comes right after I get home from school so it usually works out, but even when I dont get home until six it still there waiting for me. I dont know if everyone else in my family is just too lazy to walk down our driveway, and back up(because its so totally superlong, and a slope, so you have to walk up back to my house) Though I really think they have forgotten the mail starts in the mailbox. Every day its waiting there, on the shelf, stacked for each person its too.
Now, I enjoy getting the mail, I get to know if my grandma sent us a letter, or whats going on at my brothers school, but the only thing I dont like is I'm the one who never gets mail. Maybe once a month I get a bogus letter from WaMu(about an account I haven't used since first grade) and thats about it, no cool zines, no newsletter, and anything I do get is often from school(and often not very good...)
I guess I will always get the mail, I do like it. I can see across the street to the houses packed like sardines and the kids playing on the big toy or shooting hoops. I like the wind rushing as the cars speed by, often too close for comfort, but its a little thrill, and I like it. Plus if I ever do get a super important piece of mail, Ill be the first one to know, cause my whole family are snoops.

The Season Finally of School

This week Im watching season finallys again and again. House, Bones, Hells Kitchen, Fringe all ended with a bang, and it makes me hope that the season finally of eighth grade ends with a bang.
This yeah has been eventful, full of new experience, new emotions. Many people just want school to end get it over with so summer can begin. Sure I have plans for summer, the farmers market, the mall, maybe a trip with the family, and not only plans but goals. I plan on jogging, I doubt every day, but maybe every other day, I'll be productive, definately my main goal.
But I don't just want the year to end, to just putter out with nothing to remember it. There are friends that are leaving next year some for a school I sometimes think I can only dream I can attend. I don't want to just forget all of this year.

I don't know, but I'm done, at the moment stress has taken over, I can barely think straight

Spring break and beyond...

My mind keeps wondering back to that week, in reveiw, its was stupid, weird, wrong and everything spring break shouldn't be.
At the beginning, my boyfriend broke up with me. It was my fault and his, but I feel uncalled for. The week before had been brutal bringing up what I hated, things I never wanted to think about. So maybe it was the first day we text, and it comes to him telling me something personal, so I change my usual habits of contained agony. I spill what had been on my mind, past friends, family troubles, everything.
He tells me he is crying for me, but thats not what I want, I just want them to listen, as I do everyday, to anyone who needs an ear. And I tell him stop, I don't need sypathy like that. It escalates, he gets mad, that I wont take his compasion for my problems, I tell him I need to just forget.
He tells me to just learn from my mistakes, that I hadn't and I need to. Thats when I become mad, I can't stand him telling me what to do about problems that don't envolve him.
The conversation had been quiet, I was still happy with my brother and sister, but now I go to the bathroom, the only place they wouldn't come in. I look in the mirror, trying to calm myself, but he only makes it worst.
The whole time I think, why is this over text, of all things. But I progressed, and yelled at him best I could. I just wanted him to shut up. I cursed, I knew he hated it but I didn't care, I wanted him to stop talking, to just leave me alone to comfort myself.
It goes on, everyone is in their rooms, so I try to calm myself again, this time scrubbing the kitchen clean, but it all persists, and it happened. He broke up with me, and all I can say is fine, I had had my doubts of the relationship before, in the beginning I didn't want it at all, but I said yes, he was my friend, and I did have my fleeting crush for him, it had disapeared that night.
After my final scrub down I was relaxed, and I thought clearly. I text him, telling him I would be his friend if he wanted, and that was it. The next day everything was how it was before, we were friends again.
Later that day he talks about him asking out another girl, he had talked about he before, how he felt wierd he flirted with her more than me, I wasnt surprised, I might have saw it coming. I told him I thought they would be good together, I liked her, she was a friend, not close, but still a friend. He said maybe on opening night of the school play, the play that all of us were involved in.
The day after he asked if we could get back together, so fast, his mind was changing, I said no, maybe next year. He also said he couldn't ask out the girl, too soon, it might have made me smile, I don't remember.
Halfway throught break we all take a trip to the city. Its fun, a day of videogames and pizza, I didnt find it awkward. My friends dog him, they thought he was gonna ask me out again, they didnt know of our discussion. I didn't care, I thought it was funny.
We had texted alot that week, not as much as before, but enough as I do any other friend. The last days roll around, he is going to a concert, I'm jealous because I wanted to go to it. He text me there, giving me updates and such, and then he stops. I find out after he saw her there, and he asked her out, she said yes.
Its back to school for us and I sit next to him first period, and she sits behind us, I feel ignored. I talk to my friends, blocking it out, and am generally happy. I thought it was just a phase of his, I could see how he would feel weird. But it really wasn't a phase, it didn't get better, he only ignored me more and more. I didn't feel like his friend anymore, he didn't stick to his word.
Life goes on and I tell people we broke up, they didn't think it would happen, they couldn't beleive how fast he had moved on. I shrugged it off, though everytime I felt a little worst.
The play rolls around, it comes and goes, with me watching them being so close, I found out they had kissed, we had been together four months, never once, he said he was too scared. Everyone knew we had been together, they had seen us at earlier practices, and now he was with her, I don't think they knew what to do, as though they had to pick sides.
It had been fun, helping with the play, but it was over for maybe a week, I had given up hope on being friends with him again. Then he texts, out of the blue, a simple "sup" and I got back a little hope. I text as though nothing had happened, I can usually forgive and forget.
But he has alterior motives, he says someone told him I was mad at him during the play. I truely couldnt remember, it had been a hectic week, I dont even remember talking to the person who told him. He thought I was lying, and continued to tell me that he didn't want me mad at him. I didn't see why, he didn't even talk to me. He kept asking for me to just tell him ,it was annoying me horribly, he said he didn't want to do it again. I told him he sounded like he was still my boyfriend, he thought it meant I was jealous. I said I wasn't, just saying that she wouldn't like it, I had gotten over it mostly by then, only a pang now and then. After he believed me, and just stopped talking, no goodbye or nothing, I dont think someone is a friend if they don't say goodbye.
It was maybe minutes before I relized why we had that short conversation, he still wanted to go out with me, I had said next year, but his chances wouldn't be good if I was mad at him. I think I hated him for a minute, he was with her, but wasn't committed as I thought. It was then when I decided I am not going out with him again, I had fully gotten over him then, I was free.

Now I look at all of these things I find out how horrible that all played out. It was almost everything a breakup shouldn't be in my eyes, yet it played out that way, though I tried to make it right. I'm now glad he broke up with me, I do not hate him, but he is not my friend, I dont think I can be. If I do become a friend again, I will never look at him the same, true colors that were not shown before had flashed before my eyes, they were things that I didnt want in any close friend.
Maybe it could have gone better, maybe I'm glad it didn't, for now I'm happy with life, maybe more than I was with him. but all these maybes will do no good, because it happened, and its now the past, just another memory not to think about.