Happy Halloween!

Im very excited for halloween, I have a great costume that I put together that I am proud of. The only problem is I have nothing to do, so Ill prolly just be watching some movies at home.

Small update

everything is going great. Play is this week, come see it

I was bored today, I wrote some short monologues for nothing, apparently they're good.
So here they are

I was out on our porch last night, it was so beautiful, and well, I thought I heard you call my name. And I know how silly it is, but as I looked around, and you wern't there, I was crying, and yelling. Why wern't you there, I need you, and your gone, forever. And I know its not your fault, I've told myself again and again it wasn't. Well, I broke down that night, but I looked up, and I saw this star, brighter than all the others it reminded me of your smile, I felt a little less alone.
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Maybe you should go, cant you see I dont want you here, no one does. You've done enough damage already, why don't you leave before someone actually gets hurt. You're so... just leave, are you not happy with what you've accomplished, do you want me to break me a little more. well, too bad, I never wanna see your face again, and I will never forgive you for this.
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Your things are by the door, I think it would be better if you just go. We both know things havent been going well, and, I know you've been seeing someone. How could you think I wouldn't notice the late office nights, or the lipstick on your collar. But that not the part that bothers me, I want to know, did you ever, while you were with her, think of me, even once? (beat) right, well, your things are packed, we never would have lasted anyways.

three part post

Part 1: Tell the people around u that u love them. Randomly.

I would just like to say how much joy it brings me to call you my friends, and that I could ask for no one better. I am blessed by all the love I receive and I only hope you know I love you too. Life is unexpected, and I beleive it is the most important thing is to know you are loved and cared for. Because tomorrow is not a promise and everyone should live and love everyday they are given.
I love you, KenzieJo.

I sent that text out last night, after receiving some good advice, I just wanted everyone to know that I care for them, because its one of the most important things in life, and can change everyones life for the better.

part 2: school schedule

1.English, Krieger
2.Social Studies, Kooser
3.Sci by design, Lemieux
4. Science, Davidson
5. Drama, Tavern
6. Math, Wolff

I think this has been my best schedule yet, It'll make out for a great semester for sure.

part 3: End of summer

I"m sad that its ending, but its ended in the best way possible, I've gone to my grandmothers and saw my cousins. It's been a great summer all around though. I've hung out with somebody at least once a week. Gone to the farmers market almost every week, and have spent lots of time with my family. and even though school starts next week I'm ok with it, because I've used my summer time to its full extent.

Ps: Our blackberries have come in very well this year, Not even half are fully grown and its still too many for just our family. If you'd like some let me know, they are quiet delicious.

part 1: Departure

She stares into the blue oblivion above her, without the blemish of clouds its pale silk, pulled taunt over the horizon. The sun hung behind her, stretching her shadow until it broke on the white waves. Salt floats on the ocean breeze, overwhelming her senses and blurring her mind; but still all she can think about is him, still under the covers, not knowing shes left.

Her dress whips at her ankles, her curls hurricane off her shoulders. The winds pulling her to the sea, wanting to whisk her away from her life, she can't help but hope it does. But she plants herself, her head pillowed on the white sand, her eyes lulled closed by the rhythmic waves.

Dreams turned to nightmares, his infidelity shaking her awake to see shes still alone on the beach. Her legs pulse forward, to the dock where her boat bobs. The sail finally catches, the bow splitting the water clean. times no issue for her, the note's on her pillow, the boats stocked for months. It was time for her to leave and find something better.

no longer a dream

I got it! I got it!
Its so pretty, and shiny, and fun to take apart! I have no film though it uses 120 film and i don't know where to get it. I love it love it love it, I'm stoked!

Camera dreams

My camera will be ordered, Friday. I'm more excited than I imagined, like there is this growing twinge of it under my skin. I'm itching to get my hands on it, to see the world through it's plastic lens. I've seen the pictures on the site, and I want to make ones that can be presented on the site beside the ones already there.

I have so many ideas already, I look everywhere for them now, I'm very excited for the fair, and the parks, and taking many picture of my friends, both expected and blinding. So when I do receive my precious piece of plastic, and hopefully film, humor me please.

summer vacation, week one

This week has been fantastic. A hopeful omen that the rest of the summer will be just as nice. I learned to ride a bike(yes yes its sad, sue me, I never had anywhere to learn) and since that my father has gotten me a bike from a friend of his. Thank Krista for being my teacher.
I went to Kelsey'es party, a scavenger hunt leading us all around town. I'm happy to say we won, candy for everyone along with a yummy cupcake. Totally worth singing to the cupcake girls. She liked my present, an old queen record, and I'm glad it took forever for me and Krista to find it in the disorganized store.(thanks for that too Krista)
I may also have gotten a job for the summer. Baby sitting a young eighteen month old three days a week. This will be enough for my camera and new clothes for school.
Excited!

no neighbors... no fun?

So when we moved into this house I was a baby, and our surroundings were very different. Across the busy road, a small forest was there to explore. A field next to us held blackberries and animals, both of which invaded our yard on a daily basis. We has a few neighbors, the old man above us, who I only ever saw talking to my dad. There was Jade with her mini reserve, with plants and animals galore. I only had one true neighbor, the house sitting right next to us with a large yard we would often play baseball in. The family with a son, my brother's age, moved away long ago.
After they moved things changed, houses replaced the forest and field, cramped together, so close that when standing between two, you can touch the smooth paint of both houses. The houses took away the view, the adventure, the mystery. I was so confused that morning I awoke to dust in the air and the green trees on the ground. I felt like they took away my land, my childhood.
I got over it and moved on, happy that maybe I would have neighbors again. But I later found it wouldn't happen. The small playground didn't hold new friends, the half million dollar houses weren't inviting; I stayed to my house most of the time.
Sometimes something sparks inside, whenever I watch a movie about teenager best freinds, next door neighbors that spend every day together I wish I had it, instead of my lonely little house that I really do love. I want to be able to walk to someones house, watch a movie and stay for dinner. I doubt it will ever truely happen, I have my friends, and not many live close, not many like living next to the local cemetery, or on a busy street.
I love my house, and I have great friends, so thats all I really need.

PS: Its raining beautifly today, a thunderstorm is here it amazing. Happy Father's Day

five rules when buying a gift card

Im sure everyone has gotten a gift card in their life, a birthday or Christmas, its usually a good idea, but there are some rules that should be followed when getting a gift card.
1. Age appropriate, highschoolers do not want some spongebob gift card, its just lame
2. put the amount on the card, no one wants to call in and ask how much is on it
3. at least think about a store, dont just get the closest card, put at least a little effort in it. If you really don't want to get a mall one, something broad, or better yet, cash.
4. Don't say to "don't spend it all in one place," its a gift card... to one store
5. and last, but the most important, dont put just five dollars on it, get a price that goes with the store. Walmart, ten bucks all fine and dandy, but american eagle, hollister, anything costly, at least enough for a shirt, fifteen perfer twenty. If you dont wanna spend that much, go cash, at least they can choose how to spend it.

So if you ever buy me a gift, follow these, please.

things that make me smile, laugh, and giggle uncontrolably

1. My puppies(though at the moment only one)
2. teddy bears
3. water
4.Chuck Palahniuk
5.My Chemical Romance
6.Panic at the Disco
7.bubbles
8.sun
9.blackberries
10.my bass guitar
11.getting into page
12. summer
13.farmers market
14.wind
15.the fish on my phone
16.people getting stuck in chairs(like a beanbag chair or papasan chair)
17.my apple tree
18. etsy
19. Texts from last night
20. latfh
21. fmylife
22.cdbaby


for real, look at the sites they will brighten you day, cd baby has cds only five bucks, do it.

enjoy them, they're pure awesome.

Daydream of soft grass

Large field, green from east to west,surrounded by trees; I'm alone at the edge, waiting to fall to the grass, waiting for it to consume me. I walk forward, my balance like a tightrope walker, my arms to either side. My finger are spread like a dancer, I can feel the wind whistle between them. Then I lose my balance, turning, toppling, the grass is soft.

On my back I watch the clouds, marshmallows like bunnies and birds; the sun make them shine. I smell the pines around me, hear the birds sing within them, the grass is soft.

Day, night, day, night. Around me moves with blurring speed, I stay the same. The wind picks up, flowers bloom and die; the trees frosted to white, then back to green again. Unable to keep up, I shut my eyes, waiting for it to end. Still beneath me the grass is soft.

Ending I feel it, I'm in my own skin again, solid; able to keep up with the world around me. But behind closed eyes the world is gone. I walk looking, barren, jagged rocks and dying grass, its all gone. I closed my eyes for a moment and the beauty was gone. I look back to where I was sitting, its the same, a perfect circle of green among greys and browns. I sit down upon it again, just happy to admire that the grass is soft.

I close my eyes, my hands digging into the soft ground; I don't want the patch to leave, I want it all of it back. Wishing, praying, my face buried in the grass, the dew wets my face. Hours it seems I sit there, dozing off I'm quite certain; and when I'm concious I still dread to look around me. Deep breath I look up, hanging on the fact the grass is soft.

I look around, its different but not as it was first. Green again it was interupted by blue; clear as the sky above. I soak my feet for a while, koi swim around me, nibbling my toes; I laugh, I'm so ticklish. At last I wander back to the grass, the darken sky bright with constalations; I lay down comfortable since the grass is soft.

days to nights

I forget to see beauty in life. Often busy, just this week I had tests, packing, cleaning, projects; things just pass by without a second glance from me, I miss things that should be appreciated and valued. Words will flow into my head, a second of my attention, I wont remember when it happens I think back, an hour, a day... a week. When I sit with others for a breathe of relaxation I feel I've been away forever nothing they say I remember or relate to.
Sure many understand the dilemma I face, and they'll happpily update me on the changes in my own life; but others not so much. They give me glances like I don't care, when truely I can't keep up. Names, times, anything not vital in the present I don't remember, it comes back to bite me in the future but I can't help it.
But at times like this, as I sit on the couch typing this, I watch; as day turns to night the colors twisting together changing in beauty that leaves me speechless. I listen to karma police a window separating me from the world; so I can look upon it, undisturbed. Bliss can barely describe the true feelings at this moment, its something unable to be put into any words that pass through my mind.

Its Mail Time

Everyday I get the mail, it comes right after I get home from school so it usually works out, but even when I dont get home until six it still there waiting for me. I dont know if everyone else in my family is just too lazy to walk down our driveway, and back up(because its so totally superlong, and a slope, so you have to walk up back to my house) Though I really think they have forgotten the mail starts in the mailbox. Every day its waiting there, on the shelf, stacked for each person its too.
Now, I enjoy getting the mail, I get to know if my grandma sent us a letter, or whats going on at my brothers school, but the only thing I dont like is I'm the one who never gets mail. Maybe once a month I get a bogus letter from WaMu(about an account I haven't used since first grade) and thats about it, no cool zines, no newsletter, and anything I do get is often from school(and often not very good...)
I guess I will always get the mail, I do like it. I can see across the street to the houses packed like sardines and the kids playing on the big toy or shooting hoops. I like the wind rushing as the cars speed by, often too close for comfort, but its a little thrill, and I like it. Plus if I ever do get a super important piece of mail, Ill be the first one to know, cause my whole family are snoops.

The Season Finally of School

This week Im watching season finallys again and again. House, Bones, Hells Kitchen, Fringe all ended with a bang, and it makes me hope that the season finally of eighth grade ends with a bang.
This yeah has been eventful, full of new experience, new emotions. Many people just want school to end get it over with so summer can begin. Sure I have plans for summer, the farmers market, the mall, maybe a trip with the family, and not only plans but goals. I plan on jogging, I doubt every day, but maybe every other day, I'll be productive, definately my main goal.
But I don't just want the year to end, to just putter out with nothing to remember it. There are friends that are leaving next year some for a school I sometimes think I can only dream I can attend. I don't want to just forget all of this year.

I don't know, but I'm done, at the moment stress has taken over, I can barely think straight

Spring break and beyond...

My mind keeps wondering back to that week, in reveiw, its was stupid, weird, wrong and everything spring break shouldn't be.
At the beginning, my boyfriend broke up with me. It was my fault and his, but I feel uncalled for. The week before had been brutal bringing up what I hated, things I never wanted to think about. So maybe it was the first day we text, and it comes to him telling me something personal, so I change my usual habits of contained agony. I spill what had been on my mind, past friends, family troubles, everything.
He tells me he is crying for me, but thats not what I want, I just want them to listen, as I do everyday, to anyone who needs an ear. And I tell him stop, I don't need sypathy like that. It escalates, he gets mad, that I wont take his compasion for my problems, I tell him I need to just forget.
He tells me to just learn from my mistakes, that I hadn't and I need to. Thats when I become mad, I can't stand him telling me what to do about problems that don't envolve him.
The conversation had been quiet, I was still happy with my brother and sister, but now I go to the bathroom, the only place they wouldn't come in. I look in the mirror, trying to calm myself, but he only makes it worst.
The whole time I think, why is this over text, of all things. But I progressed, and yelled at him best I could. I just wanted him to shut up. I cursed, I knew he hated it but I didn't care, I wanted him to stop talking, to just leave me alone to comfort myself.
It goes on, everyone is in their rooms, so I try to calm myself again, this time scrubbing the kitchen clean, but it all persists, and it happened. He broke up with me, and all I can say is fine, I had had my doubts of the relationship before, in the beginning I didn't want it at all, but I said yes, he was my friend, and I did have my fleeting crush for him, it had disapeared that night.
After my final scrub down I was relaxed, and I thought clearly. I text him, telling him I would be his friend if he wanted, and that was it. The next day everything was how it was before, we were friends again.
Later that day he talks about him asking out another girl, he had talked about he before, how he felt wierd he flirted with her more than me, I wasnt surprised, I might have saw it coming. I told him I thought they would be good together, I liked her, she was a friend, not close, but still a friend. He said maybe on opening night of the school play, the play that all of us were involved in.
The day after he asked if we could get back together, so fast, his mind was changing, I said no, maybe next year. He also said he couldn't ask out the girl, too soon, it might have made me smile, I don't remember.
Halfway throught break we all take a trip to the city. Its fun, a day of videogames and pizza, I didnt find it awkward. My friends dog him, they thought he was gonna ask me out again, they didnt know of our discussion. I didn't care, I thought it was funny.
We had texted alot that week, not as much as before, but enough as I do any other friend. The last days roll around, he is going to a concert, I'm jealous because I wanted to go to it. He text me there, giving me updates and such, and then he stops. I find out after he saw her there, and he asked her out, she said yes.
Its back to school for us and I sit next to him first period, and she sits behind us, I feel ignored. I talk to my friends, blocking it out, and am generally happy. I thought it was just a phase of his, I could see how he would feel weird. But it really wasn't a phase, it didn't get better, he only ignored me more and more. I didn't feel like his friend anymore, he didn't stick to his word.
Life goes on and I tell people we broke up, they didn't think it would happen, they couldn't beleive how fast he had moved on. I shrugged it off, though everytime I felt a little worst.
The play rolls around, it comes and goes, with me watching them being so close, I found out they had kissed, we had been together four months, never once, he said he was too scared. Everyone knew we had been together, they had seen us at earlier practices, and now he was with her, I don't think they knew what to do, as though they had to pick sides.
It had been fun, helping with the play, but it was over for maybe a week, I had given up hope on being friends with him again. Then he texts, out of the blue, a simple "sup" and I got back a little hope. I text as though nothing had happened, I can usually forgive and forget.
But he has alterior motives, he says someone told him I was mad at him during the play. I truely couldnt remember, it had been a hectic week, I dont even remember talking to the person who told him. He thought I was lying, and continued to tell me that he didn't want me mad at him. I didn't see why, he didn't even talk to me. He kept asking for me to just tell him ,it was annoying me horribly, he said he didn't want to do it again. I told him he sounded like he was still my boyfriend, he thought it meant I was jealous. I said I wasn't, just saying that she wouldn't like it, I had gotten over it mostly by then, only a pang now and then. After he believed me, and just stopped talking, no goodbye or nothing, I dont think someone is a friend if they don't say goodbye.
It was maybe minutes before I relized why we had that short conversation, he still wanted to go out with me, I had said next year, but his chances wouldn't be good if I was mad at him. I think I hated him for a minute, he was with her, but wasn't committed as I thought. It was then when I decided I am not going out with him again, I had fully gotten over him then, I was free.

Now I look at all of these things I find out how horrible that all played out. It was almost everything a breakup shouldn't be in my eyes, yet it played out that way, though I tried to make it right. I'm now glad he broke up with me, I do not hate him, but he is not my friend, I dont think I can be. If I do become a friend again, I will never look at him the same, true colors that were not shown before had flashed before my eyes, they were things that I didnt want in any close friend.
Maybe it could have gone better, maybe I'm glad it didn't, for now I'm happy with life, maybe more than I was with him. but all these maybes will do no good, because it happened, and its now the past, just another memory not to think about.